From the Diary of a Bereaved Mother: A letter to my son in Heaven

** 5 months after stillbirth **

Riding the Unfamiliar Roller coaster that is called "Grief"

It’s 4:02 p.m. right now and I just broke down again for no reason. My heart is aching, I didn’t sleep last night. It’s not uncommon, even after all of this time, for me to go to bed thinking of you and wake up with you on my mind. I’m trying to stay busy with myself and be a productive member of society, or at least my family. I feel lousy all the time for being inadequate, unfulfilled, and unaccomplished. I’m not who I was before and I’m mad about that... because you, Zakariya, were supposed to change things; change me, not in this way, but for the better.

But I sit here, at 4:05 p.m., crying instead over the burning in my chest and the pain on my cheeks from salty tears. This is nothing new though. I’m all emotions, all the time, wrapped inside a nasty, messy ball of cob webs. I often feel elated to have been given the opportunity to be your mom.. And I feel angry you left before me without permission. Then I feel sorry for being so selfish because you really were so sick and tired before even being born. Then I feel mad at myself for thinking your life should have been spent with me instead of in Heaven with the angels and Prophets, enjoying what we all hope to enjoy: utter bliss. How dare I think about stopping you from leaving mankind’s true home. Then I start feeling guilty because may be it wasn’t your time.. Maybe I was bad, or wrong, or not smart enough, or fast enough, or strong enough to carry your burdens for you. TO SAVE YOU. TO LOVE YOU DESPITE EVERYTHING.

I also feel blessed to have known you and experienced everything for the first time with you and now I have a piece of myself in Heaven. I feel grateful that I have a chance to find happiness again, not with you this time, but perhaps your sibling that you pick out for me and your dad. And I’m grateful for him, the wonderful man that you never really got to know but would have loved more than I do because he loved you more than he loves me, and that is saying a lot! This pregnancy & birth may not have turned out the way I imagined but I found so many other things that I didn't realize I needed to experience and learn. Like how to love unselfishly, how to be brave and fight when it all feel too much for one person, how to depend on Allah and truly trust that his decree and plan is much better than I can fathom, even when it feels unfair or cruel. Then I feel sad because you are gone. . . because for the rest of my life i have to keep those feelings inside myself.

Right after I lost you, I lost so much hope as well. I was merely pretending to feel things and do things and before I knew it, it had been 5 months that I was “living” without you. I think my soul refuses to forget -- refuses to find joys and comforts -- refuses to even start thinking of moving on. Mentally, I am aware that you are gone but my soul is still in denial. It still feels like yesterday since we lost your beautiful soul on Earth. Like just yesterday, I was sitting in the Prenatal ER waiting for them to tell me you were fine but stubborn, even though I knew in the pit of my stomach you were gone for good. I still feel it all... all the time.. But looking at me you would never know. You see, I’m an expert at pretending its all fine for the sake of carrying on, like the world believes I should. Therefore, when I’m alone I break down because of all the hope I have lost, how I will never know the potential you carried or the opportunities you would have had.

Today, I broke down because for some vague reason, that I can’t fully understand or describe, I “felt” the feeling of loneliness and emptiness. There was something in the temperature, the smell of the grass, the breeze in the wind; something reminds me of you. Everything reminds me of you. Sometimes it makes me feel nice, nostalgic and other times I fall down gasping for air because it seems to have disappeared from the world for good. It did not feel “nice” today. Nothing feels good. I woke up thinking of you, with my hand gripping my chest as if that would make the pain stop. Nothing makes the pain STOP!

My reason for writing is not for publishing, not for “spreading awareness,” not for pity or comfort from others. It’s for me. Just me, and you I guess. Because I’m hurting and I’m lonely and angry in the strongest sense of the words. You shouldn't have left me. Don’t you remember my prayers? You were with me all the time. You heard it all. I let my heart love you and believe you were a close friend of mine that I never asked for or thought I needed. Don’t you remember me begging and commanding you not to leave me here alone? I told you I couldn’t handle it. I told you don’t you dare die before me. I had plans and you’re the only one I want/need to complete them.

But I cant really be mad, can I.. as I said before I feel sad and guilty. But really I just miss you. This is not the way things work. This is not what the movies said would happen. This was not what I envisioned. These things don’t happen to normal people -- innocent, kind, hard-working people. These things are stories, lies, fantasy from a dark mind. But no, these things are real, and I know this now. I’m scared, no, terrified! Its hard to live knowing all the evils around the corner. I pray please God! Give me back my innocence, my naivety, my childish heart, my playfullness, my ignorance. I don’t want to know but now that I do, how should I carry on?

I feel foolish, I didn’t mention that earlier, but I feel foolish. I thought that it was safe to give you all of my love. I thought, “What harm is there in a mother loving her child unconditionally?” It never occurred to me that you might not be meant for me. I pray all the time for Allah not to attach my heart to what does not bring me closer to Him and to that which takes me away from remembrance of Him. Surely, I thought, loving my child is innocent and healthy. I never realized I should have also asked for God not to attach my heart to ANYTHING that isn’t meant for me. . . You were no exception. You are not and were never meant for me. You, Zakariya, were a traveler passing by and I was a vessel to keep you safe. And that hurts because I assumed you were meant for me and your dad.

I assumed it was safe to put my dreams, hopes, and love into you because you were the first thing that was truly mine. But you weren’t mine, and I’m not even mine.. We are creatures of Allah and that is all. Yet, my soul aches an indescribable ache. Because you’re my true love and I feel dumped. I’m divorced from our relationship in the worst possible way. They had to tear you from me and I had to volunteer to exchange your corpse for hole in my body instead. Just like that you were here; just like that you were gone. I sometimes feel you never existed. But I see your tiny mound of dirt in the cemetery and remember that this is where you are on Earth. And will be forever until we meet again. But that’s a long time for me to cry, isn’t it? It’s 4:37 p.m. now, I have to dry my tears and make dinner. The world didn’t stop turning when you left. I shouldn’t let people know I’m in pain, that’s just asking for "pity" and “attention.” That’s enough feelings for one day -- that’s enough feelings for a lifetime.